Its Been a Bad Few Days For Me Part 2 on 07/04/2016 my second day in the hospital.
I was missing my family because a lot of them came in from Texas for the holidays.
They treated us to burgers and chips for the 4th of July for dinner. I still was not going to any sessions yet mostly just moping around.
I was in there with 6 or 7 others. My suicidal thoughts and depression were still strong.
July 5th, 2016 I finally went to my sessions and I enjoyed it. The one therapist asked me if I would like to start a journal.
She said to just write what you were thinking about. I wrote about how I missed “Mutt.”
Mom and my sister-n-law stopped by for a visit, I liked that a lot. I told mom about how they wanted us to do a craft while we were there.
She asked me to do one for her I said, of course, I would.
For so long I had wanted to talk about it. Damn it I wanted to scream about it. I wanted to yell about it. I wanted to shout about it.
But all I could do was whisper “I’m fine.”
Its Been a Bad Few Days For Me Part 2
People ask me aren’t you scared of dying and I answer no not really, why am I supposed to be?
I think why I am not scared is my morbidly Ghoulish fascination into death. Seeing a dead body never bothered me. There is nothing scary about it, as the person looks so peaceful.
Sometimes the pain is so bad that dying seems like the only way to relieve it.
07/06/2016 my suicidal thoughts have gone away, and I was feeling much better. The sessions where we sit and talk are the best I think.
I’m really missing “Mutt” but I know I can’t go home yet. I think I just needed a break from being alone. “Mutt” is a good listener but he doesn’t talk much.
07/07/2016 more of the same no more suicidal thoughts the Dr has cleared me to go home on 07/08/2016.
That night my blood pressure bottomed out 96/66 and I had to drink two huge glasses of Lemonade to get it raised back up. I was afraid it was going to mess up me going home the next day.
07/08/2016 My sister-n-law and my brother showed up to take me home. “Mutt” was in a boarding kennel and we went to pick him up on the way home.
He definitely missed his daddy, and he has been clingy to me ever since.
Its Been a Bad Few Days For Me Part 2 Conclusion
Since being in the hospital last year, I have not had any suicidal thoughts, but recently they came back.
I am well practiced in throwing a smile on my face to hide my pain. But in the last few days, I have not been able to control it.
The anger feeling is through the roof. The lithium obviously is not working anymore. The sleeping pill he put me on makes me crazier than I already am, so I stopped taking it. It’s not like it was helping me sleep anyway.
I have rescheduled all my appointments that were scheduled for this week Its Been a Bad Few Days For Me Part 2. Because I just don’t feel mentally stable enough to deal with them all yet.
AND I don’t need more stress on top of what’s already going on.