First of all, let me say I’m not looking for any sympathy it’s just that I have so much on my mind, demons, in my head that I feel like I need to write them down.
I suffer from depression and anxiety, today has not been a good day.
Some days I feel I could conquer the world while other days I feel like I am being swallowed by a creek. I try to fight and swim but the current is strong and it just keeps pulling me down. Today is that day.
I know as small children we all think there are monsters hiding under our beds but as adults suffering from depression we know the monsters don’t live under the bed, they live in our head.
I have friends and family close by but they don’t understand what it is like to just feel nothing, be numb, and not want to go on. I take several medicines but they just seem to mask it or make me feel like a zombie.
Dealing with depression is not just about being sad, it’s not showering for two or three days straight. It’s having a sink full of dishes or clothes to wash and just not do it. It’s feeling tired and exhausted but not being able to sleep.
It’s having no motivation or energy to do anything. It’s hating every single part of your life and thoughts about just ending it all dance in your head. Most usually though I don’t think about suicide but I have in the past.
I feel like I have become a burden on my family because I don’t drive anymore and if I have to go somewhere I have to call on them. I never once had to ask them for anything before 2005 that is when I became disabled and no longer could work. I know that I’m not a burden but it still feels like I am. These are the demons that I deal with that are in my head.
© 2017 All Rights Reserved Paul Cox
